I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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