Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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