I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
