so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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