idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
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Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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