You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
