My friends, they love my intelligence
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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