I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
