OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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