don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
