when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
