a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize