I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
