The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
