The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
