why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
