member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
So much rum. So many feels.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Randomize
