Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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