shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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