your parents love me but you hate me
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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