Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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