You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
