Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
