if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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