I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
In other news, I just burned my penis
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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