the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
