on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
