please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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