my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
