We need to rekindle our bromance
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
