I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
