Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
