Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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