I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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