I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
