just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Randomize