never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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