I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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