Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Randomize
