why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
