I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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