i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
