i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
