your parents love me but you hate me
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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