If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
