I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
