Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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