chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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