Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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