i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
