Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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