Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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