At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
COCAINE IS GR8
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
