..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
