How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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