I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
