Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
operation harelip BJ is a go
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
