i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Mom said you looked used
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
